Life on Saltines and Jell-O

I had a recent bout with some bad gastrointestinal mojo, which landed me in the hospital for a few days. Not a fun place for a paramedic to be. Us medical people don't make very good patients.
Turns out I have ulcerative colitis AND bleeding peptic ulcers AND ulcers in my duodenum, thrown in for good measure. I'm pretty much full of holes. Why? Stress, spicy food, H-pylori, who the heck knows. Can't get a straight answer of any of the doctors that I now have to see.
What they DID tell me is not to eat anything heavy, greasy, fried, spicy, creamy, acidic, alcohol-based, vinegar-y, and caffeine-laden. This is pretty much everything out there. The good stuff. Like coffee. Or a cocktail with dinner. Or dinner at all.
And hot wings. You guys have followed my mission to find the best wings in Tampa Bay; alas, I'll never know. They just don't make enough Mylanta for me to chance it.
So I have been living the last few weeks on saltine crackers and different flavors of gelatin. If I am feeling brave, I sneak down a little chicken soup. This is not fun. I LOVE food. Lots of food. And having to go around watching people eat it all up is, at the very least, excruciating.
Right now as we speak, the guy next to me is eating gumbo. And yesterday my husband actually ordered a pizza and wolfed it down while saying to me "You poor thing."
Poor thing indeed. I am usually laid-back about a lot of things, but I now am in a constant state of being on the verge of throwing a tantrum. Especially during the holidays when full platters of heavenly stuff are being passed under my nose. My mother even makes her own holiday candy! It's got chocolate and peanuts and peanut butter all rolled into ...
I can't even talk about it. It's too upsetting. And when did every commercial on T.V. become involved with food?! Does every fast-food restaurant have to launch a new burger at once? And can't people meet for a facial instead of a drink?
And just who does Outback think they are with those steak ads?
O.K., I'll stop. But let me tell you this: Appreciate and love and each little snack you're munching right now. When you go out, order everything on the menu for me. Raise a toast to my ulcers. I'll be the one in the corner having green Jell-O and a side of cardboard.